Wow. Didn’t know I’d be down for this long. It’s taken nearly four years for me to come back to this blog, and commit myself to living the “GOOD” life.
As I read my last post, written on December 18, 2012, I see I didn’t change a thing. Not one single thing. I didn’t learn my lesson, I wasn’t careful, I wasn’t mindful, and now I must re-lose all of the weight I had lost since January 2007. Learning the same exact lesson…4 years later (well, I guess it’s really 10 years later…but I digress).
How ridiculous is that?
It’s like the movie Groundhog Day…living the same exact experience, over and over again. Wondering if the world has gone crazy…or is it just me? Spoiler Alert: it’s just me. It’s clear that I will never conquer this area of my life until I make significant and permanentchanges. And as I’m typing this now…I’m almost certain I’ve typed this before.
But I must say…as I lose and gain, and lose and gain some more…I learn more and more just how serious and indefinite my condition is. It’s perplexing to me how this process has gone. How one minute I can be fully focused and locked in on living a healthy lifestyle…and then a few minutes later…I can be completely thrown off track and lose sight of it altogether.
What IS that? Why does that happen?
I suppose it’s different for everyone, but for me it comes down to one thing: I Am An Addict. I cannot slip, dip, flip, or skip out on my routine AT ALL, whatsoever. There is no such thing as a “cheat day”, meal, or snack for me. I am an emotional eater of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I can neither use food as a reward nor as comfort. Like an alcoholic can’t have just 1 glass…I can’t have just 1 treat. Plain and simple. It’s a serious issue for me, I just can’t do it, and I just have to accept that.
I wish I had kept up with blogging. My most successful weight loss accomplishments have happened while I blogged through it. Blogging is a great accountability tool for me. Had I stayed with it and read through my old posts…I may have found the momentum I needed to get back in the game and stay in the game….much sooner than now.
But I can’t dwell on that. I am here now…again…and pray I never stray…again.
Losing weight is hard. Even if you were living in a vacuum, being spoon fed healthy foods, and had a machine that burns calories in your sleep…it would still be hard.
So you can understand how much HARDER it is to lose weight and be healthy…when EVERYONE around you is on a whole nutha’ agenda. Eating WHATever, whenever, however. It’s far too easy to fall into sync with them and lose track of what you are trying to do. As I sit and type right now, my companion brings in a whole pizza, and sits it in my face. All seasoned up with garlic salt, red pepper flakes, and oregano. *drools* Now it’s looking at me begging me to take a slice. Oh how nice & easy that would be, if not for the fact that…I’ve been backsliding.
What they don’t tell you about a “healthy” lifestyle change is that…you can never go back…if you want to stay healthy. Like ever. Not even a little bit.
How much easier would it be if everyone could just change along with me? (Not too far-fetched, right?)
I’m really disappointed in myself. Again, yet AGAIN, I could have been at my healthy weight by now, but instead, I’m further away than I was before. But perhaps I needed this wake-up call. I can’t phone in these next 30 lbs. And if I’m not careful, it’ll be more than that.
I keep thinking…“Argh! I can’t WAIT till I lose this weight, so I can eat like a regular person and not have to be so mindful.” But that’s not realistic. It’s an outright LIE. I will always have to be mindful. Temptation doesn’t go away just because the pounds do; especially not when in the form of family, friends, and pizza.
“I know what looks different about you…you’re getting skinny!”
We had casually walked past each other and said hello, but she doubled back and found me at my desk just to let me know she noticed my weight loss. And after a week where many poor choices were made…her comment brought be back to life.
Today was the first day that I started to get back into my rhythm, back to making good choices, and her words gave me that extra “umph” I needed to put the past week behind me and push through to the next one.
I’ve been doing well, and I’ve made some real progress. And although I had a minor setback this week, today I’m encouraged to continue making all of the right decisions, and furthering my weight loss.